The days right before a child visits his biological parents certainly qualifies as among the most difficult for foster parents. In anticipation of the visit, a child’s moods and behavior often shift dramatically. Sometimes they are almost frantic with excitement, which can both express their eagerness to see their parents and mask their fear of the disappointment. Other children may withdraw from the foster family — as if they have to be rid of their positive feelings for one family in order to connect with the other. We can understand all of this as a child’s response to being flooded with more feelings than he or she can manage. Visits may stir memories of being hurt or frightened or neglected in the care of the biological parents. They may also bring up intense feelings of anger, loneliness, and hope. It is as if there is no emotional place where children can comfortably think and feel as they wait to see their parents. In anticipation of visits, children often idealize the absent parent and become very angry and critical of their foster parents. For the foster parent who is caring for the child of an abusive or neglectful adult – an adult who has been transformed by the child’s wishful thinking into a wonderful, giving, protective one - it can be exceptionally difficult to understand and empathize with the child’s need to see his or her parent as good. It can be very difficult, even as an adult, not to feel overwhelmed by all of the confusing feelings the foster child’s behavior stirs up — love, anger, sadness, resentment, disappointment, memories of past disappointment and loss - just to name a few. As a foster parent, how do you handle it? These difficult times provide opportunities to show, by example, different ways of managing feelings that seem too big to hold. Foster parents can soothe themselves and their children by singing, rocking, talking softly, or going for a walk. The adults can teach children how breathing deeply can calm the body and mind. They can also learn that they can think a little bit about the visit, but also think about other things. Often, just naming the feelings that the child might be having can be helpful. If a child can begin to talk about feeling angry instead of hitting or kicking or talk about feeling sad instead of crying, she will begin to feel more in charge of her feelings. When a child is more in charge of her feelings, those feelings won’t be so overwhelming and frightening. It’s not easy, but it can help the foster parent, the child, and their relationship.