Arrival - When the day arrived for our new daughter to move in, my husband, Peter, and I had met her twice before, so we had some idea of what was expected. Even with that, there is no set plan. Our new daughter arrived with her social worker, carrying her own bag. She had very few belongings, and as it turned out, very few clothes that still fit. Some she had since fifth grade, and she was now in the 10th grade. We took her to her room, which was ready and waiting, and she put her things there. Every one was a little tense. No one knew exactly what to say, except that we were happy to have her in our home.

Sibs - One thing that made her arrival day easier was the presence in our home of other youth the same age. (We already had two teenage daughters.) There were discussions amongst the teens about how the household is run and what the expectations are as they see it – a normal “lay of the land” situation. Who has the best room? Will the new arrival have an opportunity to have the same relationship with the family as the other youth have? Sometimes teens can be jealous, and that happened, as well. This day was full of insecurities for our new daughter as she had been turned out of so many placements. From the start, we knew that these disruptions would be an issue, but we also knew that we would have a “honeymoon period” before we would have to deal with these more difficult issues.

The Binder - One of the items we always get from the social worker is the health and education information binder. When it comes to each child, we want to know who her medical doctor is and contact information. We want to know who her mental health providers are—the therapist and the psychiatrist—if these are her services. We want to know if she has any medications and the directions for giving the medication. We want to know what her school placement is—what grade and what services she may have or new ones she may need. We want to know what the plans are for family visits. (In this instance it was a very complicated situation with many family members and many types of visits.) We want to know if she has a CASA, and who her attorney is. We want to know if she has any friends with whom she can communicate, and what special groups she may be affiliated with —like sports teams or church groups. We want to know if there are any special social concerns. The drop-off takes time for all of us—the social worker to give us the information, and for us to get all the information.

Dinner Together - Once the social worker left, we assessed what we needed to do for our new daughter. Dinner was prepared and delayed due to the arrival and the time needed to talk with the social worker. This created a stress on the household. The other family members were hungry and waiting to eat. So the next order of business was to have dinner. It was a rather festive dinner with everyone excited about the new teen and wanting to share information with everyone. It seems like the arrival of a distant relative where everyone is excited to see them. The teens who are living with us pointed out needs or problems they have already identified that we will need to handle, like buying personal items. This required a quick shopping trip before bedtime.

Bedtime - Finally, all the teens showered and got ready for bed and I give the new teen her meds. (The baby in our household had been asleep for hours!) I sat and talked with our new teen for a few minutes. It was important for me to make sure that she felt welcomed. I wanted her to know that I was available for her to talk to whenever she needed me. She was relieved to have some one-on-one time during which she could express her concerns. I also wanted to make a final check to see if she needed anything and to make sure she understood the schedule for the next day.

The Long Run - It was a busy day. A new child arrived, not as an infant, but as a teen with many issues to be worked out over the next months and years. Will this placement be a good match? Will we be able to work things out amicably? How will we weather the stressors over the next period of time? In our home, every child is handled with respect and great care. Love grows over time and in a period of months none of us can imagine what it would be like to have any of our children missing from our family.

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Lois Raap is a veteran foster and adoptive parent living in Santa Clara County, California. At the time of the above placement, she had two teen-age daughters, one 20-something son, and a two year old, all of whom have come through the dependency system. The most recent placement in the Raap home is that of a third teen-age daughter. She had been in many placements before and was so challenging the social worker was threatening to place her in a group home if things did not work out with the Raaps. We are happy to report they are, in fact, working out.

When asked to take a special needs placement or a teen placement, Lois always meets the youth before accepting the placement. Her rock-solid advice to all new and prospective foster parents: “It is important to us to make sure that the youth will fit into the family we already have, and that his/her cultural needs will be met in our home. We also talk about school, life goals and activities in which our family is involved. It is essential for the well-being of our family."